But I'll Say the Words
by perfectlyrose
Summary: John downed the rest of his drink and motioned for another, throwing it back as well before speaking again. "I don't think I can forget about her. I don't think any amount of alcohol or time can make that happen." (Ten/Rose AU)


inspired by the song "Nothing" by The Script.  
Also this does carry a death warning but there is no description of said death or anything, just...be warned.

* * *

John reluctantly let his coworkers drag him to a pub after a day of classes. They were all chatting about the students they had in common and the ones who were always causing problems. There were stories of how their own uni days compared to student life now and laments over the state of education. Occasionally one of them would shoot a concerned glance at him and he'd paste a smile on his face and start rambling about something, anything.

He ordered straight whiskey as soon as they entered the pub and the worried looks increased in frequency.

"John, are you sure you should be drinking?" It was that professor from the history department, Rory something or other, who finally stopped avoiding the topic that was on everyone's mind.

"If you were worried about me drinking, maybe you shouldn't have suggested a trip to a drinking establishment," he said acidly. "I think there was hope from some of our colleagues that a few drinks would help me to forget everything that's happened."  
John downed the rest of his drink and motioned for another, throwing it back as well before speaking again. "I don't think I can forget about her. I don't think any amount of alcohol or time can make that happen." The bite had gone out of his voice, replaced by despondency. He dragged a hand through his unkempt brown hair, making it stick up everywhere as he rested his elbows on the table.

"You're better off without her, anyways. She was just going to derail your career. Got your whole life ahead of you now, John!" This time it was some professor from the physics department that John could never remember the name of. "For heaven's sake, she was a student! What were you even thinking?"

"She wasn't my student and you don't know anything about her. Rose was…" he stopped, swallowing hard. Rory handed him another drink and John shot him a thankful look before draining it. "Rose was special. She made everything she touched better, brighter. She made everyone feel special and important and never realized that she was the important one." He could feel the alcohol coursing through his system, making his words run together slightly.

John wished he could blame for the whiskey for the tears that were gathering behind his eyes.

"She was a nobody, John, a scholarship student from the Estate who never deserved to be here in the first place." The physics professor continued despite everyone's gestures to stop talking. "She was probably just looking for some gullible bloke to warm her bed and con into supporting her and it happened to be you. Bad luck for you. I'm telling you, you're better off without her."

John jerkily rose to his feet. He hadn't eaten anything all day so the whiskey had gone straight to his head. "You have no idea what you're talking about," he said coldly. He threw a few notes on the table and walked out, stumbling over his feet as he went.

Rory opened his mobile and dialed a number he'd had to use too many times in his opinion. It rang twice before a voice answered on the other end. "Jack, I think he's going back there again if you want to head him off."

He started walking, refusing to think about where he was going. No one understood. When Rose had come into his life, everything had changed for the better. They just clicked. It didn't matter that he was a decade older than her or that she was a student. She'd seen straight past his façade of babbling brilliance and into his lonely soul. Piece by piece, she had put him back together, bringing him out of the darkness that he'd been drowning in for years.

And he'd lost her because he couldn't tell her how he felt, couldn't get those three words out of his mouth.

John shoved his hands in the pockets of his pinstriped suit. The plastic of his mobile met his fingers and he pulled it out, stabbing at the first speed dial and holding the phone to his ear as he continued to stagger across town.

After numerous rings a bright voice came on the line. "Hey this is Rose. Can't answer the phone right now but leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to ya!"

"Rose, it's me again. Please answer, I need to talk to you. We can fix this Rose, I promise. Just please call me back."

It was probably the tenth voicemail he'd left in the past week.

It had been a month and a half since the last time Rose's number had appeared on his incoming calls list.

He just needed to see her one more time, needed one more chance to get it right and tell her what she needed to hear. Say what he needed to say. It would all be okay if he could just tell her.

John swung open the gate he'd reached and walked forward on the soft grass until he found what he was looking for. He sank down and started talking.

"Rose I'm here. I need to talk to you. Please, please just listen to me. You always let me ramble, it's one of my favorite things about you. Have I have told you that? Everyone else cuts me off or tunes out. You always just let me talk and seem interested in what I have to say." He paused, gathering his nerve and wishing that he had brought some of that whiskey with him.

"I miss you so much, Rose Tyler. More than you could ever imagine. I didn't mean to hurt you by not saying what I was feeling. I was just so scared. You are so much more than I deserve and I was afraid that if I said those words out loud that the universe would realize that I had something good and would take you away. But I lost you because I didn't say them and all I want is another chance. Please.

"Maybe I'd be better off quitting you, better off if I quit coming her to try and convince you to come back to me but I don't care about being better off. All I want is you. You're so much better than me and I'm so sorry I never told you how important you really are. I know I'm drunk right now but I need to tell you. I love you, Rose Tyler. Have done since the day we met I think. You told me forever, promised me, and that's how long this feeling is going to last. I'm sorry I didn't say it before and that you ran off before I could try again. Just please say you forgive me."

A figure swathed in a greatcoat was standing by the gate, struck silent by John's speech. He listened as his friend's voice broke as he whispered another please.

Silence was the only response he got. There was no one there to answer him except the gravestone with her name inscribed on it, the date underneath it from a month and a half ago.

Finally, the tears that had started building in the bar started streaming down his as John broke down.


End file.
